The Old Fogies' ABCs
B is for Buttocks, which will either enlarge catastrophically or disappear altogether, making it impossible to find jeans that fit.
C is for Cataracts, which have to ripen, like green bananas, before they can be corrected.
D is for Diverticulitis, which means you give up strawberries, popcorn, nuts, seeds, and any other bumpy food you might have enjoyed in a former life.
E is for Erectile Dysfunction (see V). Lack of this dysfunction is the best thing about youth (see Y).
F is for Flatulence, which was a laugh riot when you were in kindergarten and now is a laugh riot to your five-year-old grandchild. When it’s yours.
G is for Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (GERD), a condition that requires you to elevate your upper body when you sleep, so that by morning you’re collapsed like an accordion at the foot of the bed.
H is for Hair, which disappears from your head but sprouts from your ears and nose.
I is for Ibuprofen, which you take for arthritis (see A).
J is for Joint Replacement, which is what you get when the ibuprofen doesn’t work anymore (see I).
K is for Kids, who move back home, with their kids, and that’s why you’re playing Uncle Wiggly again. (see U)
L is for Liver Spots, which are now euphemistically called dark spots, which sounds faintly astronomical, which it kind of is because your parents told you baking in the sun was good for you—and it was the one time you listened to them.
M is for “Mature Audiences,” which means the movie you’ve chosen to see will not be nuanced, thoughtful, or provocative; it will instead be crude, pornographic, drenched in blood, or just plain disgusting.
N is for Nude, which can be disturbing when you see yourself in it.
O is for Olden Days, which is the pitiable time in which you were born—before MTV and video games, or maybe before computers, or maybe even before television.
P is for Prostate—and pee—the two of which are intimately related. The more of one, the less of the other.
Q is for Quiet, which you either have too much or not enough of.
R is for Retirement, a quaint notion that has no meaning in the 21st century (see S).
S is for Social Security, which will disappear when it’s time for you to collect and the reason you will still be sending out résumés when you’re 90.
T is for Teeth, which you can bleach. Your teeth will look 20 when your face looks 70. It has not been determined if this is a good thing.
U is for Uncle Wiggly, a game your grandchildren love. It’s mind-numbing, takes forever to play, and is impossible to throw, no matter how you try.
V is for Viagra™. Forget the rose-colored glasses. Enjoy life through a gauzy blue haze, and watch out for that four-hour limit.
W is for Wisdom, which you finally have, but nobody pays any attention to.
X is for X-ray, which you’ll need many of before your joint replacement (see J).
Y is for Youth, a time of vigor, vitality, stupidity—and potency. (see E and V).
Z is for Zany, which is what you can be now because people your age are supposed to be eccentric. Enjoy!